As a mom with two special needs boys on the spectrum and the youngest who suffers from depression and have suicidal thoughts. I understand his thought process. I understand the cloud of Guilt that can cover you.

But I admonish any parent suffering from guilt for the diagnoses of your child, to STOP BLAMING YOURSELF or OTHERS.

Could I have DONE MORE?

When my oldest was born, I ate all the healthy foods, I stayed away from anything that could even possibly be known to cause difficulty in by developing child. I stay within the parameters of what healthcare said is the healthiest way to nurture my son. Yet we struggled until the 6 months of gestation in to keep him alive. Then delivery was 2 weeks late, but he arrived as if there been no issues at all. The next day my room was filled with nurses and lactation specialist because he couldn’t latch to me or a bottle. A week later received “failure to strive” diagnoses. Overcame all of that to have jolly 6-month-old starting to speak, learning to move his 2-foot body, singing his alphabets.

After a triple upper respiratory infection, he became a shell of a child of what we had previously. Before his first birthday diagnosed with PPD before his 3 birthday diagnosed with regressive autism. I watch his father struggle with not having our first his second son not meet his expectations. A struggle that continues to this day thirteen and half years later.

Guilt and blame rob you of the time and love you could be having with your child. It robs you of the joy and memories you could be making.

Fastward, my youngest attempts to take his life. We have been struggling with his understanding of death since he was 5. He went from wanting to become an angel to wanting to die. I regret how I explained death not knowing he would process things differently. I regret the trauma he witnessed and suffered through the separation from his brother, the abuse leading to the divorce, the dysfunction of my mother’s household, the temporary stay at DHS. Still, his father refuses to accept the diagnoses of our youngest and his fourth son.

IF I allowed Guilt to Guide Me

But if I allowed the guilt to become my companion I would be motherless today. I wouldn’t have the ability to oversee the care of my oldest who suffers from a life-threatening disease if left unmonitored. I wouldn’t be able to guide and train my youngest son to see the light instead of darkness.

If I allowed guilt to be my blanket, I wouldn’t be able to see the little enormous growth my boys make every day in different ways.

Allowing myself to be free and refueled.

By wearing a guilt coat, you allow guilt to steals the light you have inside, hindering you from being all that you can be and was meant to be.

Today I am able to stand before many whole and complete. I am able to share my triumphs and weak moments because I took care of my self. I sought guidance, therapy, and support that help me realize the devastating effect of guilt embrace a self-care regime to refuel me to serve my family and others.