As crazy as my childhood might have been, somehow, I have always been able to understand the fundamental truth of what is right or wrong. As a child, that understanding may not have occurred until after something had transpired, but with age comes maturity. However, I grew up at an age when a child was seen and not heard, leaving me mute regarding actions and behaviors that transpired towards or around me. Never knowing what I was allowed to speak on or what would cause retribution or punishment left me with many things I kept to myself.
When you force a child to isolate and remain quiet, they create their universes to escape to. In a universe where their voice is heard, they are seen as a person, not as a punching bag, Cinderella before her glass slipper was found, or as someone’s sick sadistic sexual toy. A place where their dreams can become a reality, their aspirations are attainable, and most importantly, they are supported and loved and never betrayed by those who have the sacred charge of raising and guiding them into the next phase of their life.
Meanwhile, their daily reality may be filled with terror and deadly pestilence, consistently tearing at their self-esteem, self-worth, self-identity, and personal confidence. They must survive their childhood in a war zone of unknown landmines, often with the enemy sleeping in the bed across the room or on the other side of the house. Day in and day out, they remained quiet, did what was expected, and prayed to avoid the next landmine or survive the next direct attack.
At night when all others finally went to sleep, one would escape into their universe and try to debrief from the day. Through writing aka journaling, all that transpired, the good, the bad, and ugly, one can see a complete picture as the skits replayed and understand where and if they error or where they need to alter their behavior not to trigger the adult regardless of if they were or weren’t correct. The journaling would allow them to express everything held inside and suppress throughout the day. It would give them that outward expression, preventing them from going insane.
Earlier I mentioned with age comes maturity. Let’s examine this progression.
First is an imaginary world filled with parents, siblings, cousins, and friends. A place where this child felt loved and saved and the opposite of the nightmare she was living. Imaginary friends are not uncommon for little children, but what happens if they never disappear? I answer that a little later.
In the second phase, the imaginary world doesn’t entirely disappear, but now you start reliving your day through writing. You write what went wrong but imagine what you wish or believe should have happened.
Next, one realizes that the order switches. As your mind rewinds your day and plays a movie of all that transpired, you now start writing the corrected actions to every hostile activity one was subjected to or witnessed.
By this time, you probably think I am self-righteous and perfect in my own eyes. Far from it, like everyone else, I was born in iniquity and sinful flesh. Much like David, I was born out of wedlock. So far from me to lift my nose high over anyone else. Plus, the odor probably wouldn’t be very present.
During my crazy childhood, the bible was preached in my house, especially with one of the creatures operating as an ordained Pastor and I believe another as a Deacon, and the last as a choir soloist that would make the statue of Mother Mary cry. I have always known the church had its version of Yahshua Ha Messiach (Jesus Christ), and my family had their own. However, as I read my bible for myself, it was as if Adonai (the Living Word) would show me what Elohim (God) approved of and what he didn’t. That understanding grew in my writings as well. Looking back, I would have like to believe Yahweh (Abba Father/Lord) guided me when I was younger, as I learned to read the bible Ruach Ha Kodesh (Holy Spirit) to enlighten my understanding of the word.
Now, as I go through various trials and tribulations, the replays of movies still cause me to remember past incidents in my life. Usually, these replays help me move forward from shame, bitterness, hurt, and unforgiveness. Unearth areas I may have buried and suppressed that now impede me from moving forward in certain areas of my walk, life, or ministry.
I still look to write it out because Yahweh has revealed his will for me time and time again in this fashion. Writing has brought clarity of thought, direction, and plans of action. I have come to realize that until I write about a situation in my life, I cannot speak about it. As speakers, we’re taught to share our stories from a healed position. Otherwise, we bleed over our audience with our pain. Trust me, being an unwanted recipient is an uncomfortable position for someone in the audience. So, until I can write about it, I often won’t speak about it, so I also can’t have any references posted on my blog.
Let’s backtrack. Remember, I asked what happens if the imaginary friends never go away?
Nothing if one puts them to work correctly. By creating an imaginary world as a child with characters as real as you are today, I can develop screens in my head to create fabulous novels and plays to share lessons of healing and hope. Why did I bring this up now? Because these same characters often bring to life childhood memories suppressed, allowing me to see the scenes from an adult understanding and able to reach back to my inner child and heal her more efficiently. I would say cutting through the red tape of hearing Yahweh’s will in the matter and freeing me to move into my next assignment after graduation.
You did know there was a test of your understanding, right? For me, it is to help another jewel in His crown remove the muck and mire from her gem, facing similar issues which Yahweh delivered me. Always remember, the battle is Yahweh’s to fight, the testimony is only yours once you overcome the situation, and the purpose is always for you to reach back and assist someone else.
This time, Yahweh took me through a healing process, as He often does this time of the year. But in the process of writing, He unearthed another matter in my life that I never dealt with openly. I may have skirted around it, spoke about bits and pieces, but never confessed the whole thing.
Every testimony isn’t for every ear or stage, but you never know when Ruach will call on you to share it. But I wasn’t ready to share this testimony, not even with my covering. Because I couldn’t find scriptures to use to help explain the matter to me, I wasn’t able to write about it. A post I wrote earlier that alludes to this matter hasn’t been published because if asked, though the detail wouldn’t be shared, it’s still a conversation I wouldn’t want to discuss. So, for about two weeks, I wrestled with various Yahweh-given assignments. I can hear a familiar voice say,
“GIVE YAHWEH WHAT HE WANTS!”
So, the first letter was written and sent as instructed. But I needed to come to terms with this new revelation. Being the creative that I am, various screens from my childhood played out before me as a complete picture, and in the end, being able to see this child’s life from the outside looking in, I understand that hurt children, hurt children. With this understanding, I can open the chamber door and allow the Adonai (The Living Word/ Son of God) to minister and heal this portion of my life. But I still couldn’t write on it. Yahweh never changes, and I should have remembered He says:
…So are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:9
I thought I must write it out five thousand ways before I could talk about it from a stage or published piece of work. How quickly I forget, asking to be like Yahweh each morning, asking Ruach Ha Kodesh to take control over this tongue, I should be prepared for every scenario I may find myself in. Even calling someone, I had no intention of speaking to and sharing this part of me to reassure them life will continue cause Yahweh is in control.
Yes, the way Yahweh speaks to me is changing. Yes, the speed at which Yahweh expects me to comply with His will is also changing. Over the last twenty years, I have been humbled by how He has chosen to use me to serve His children. Through the years, He continues to grow me in the area where Yahweh is leading and training me to work and minister. My prayer as I am led is to assist others in establishing and/or enhancing their relationship with Yahweh.