Having a child on the spectrum is hard enough no matter what level they are on. But when they are twice exceptional with anxiety and depression, it is even rougher. As you listen to them tell you that they are not okay and want to die because you can’t take away their pain, you cry internally because you have to stay strong for them to maintain some form of stability. You find your strength through prayer, you sit by their side forgoing everything else that thought you needed to do to encourage them from spiraling out.

The Illusion fades…

The funny thing is, to see him you would never know the pain that within. When there are good moments they are really, good. But one idol thought and all the fun disappears. You never know that killing himself is always a comment away from him speaking. You learn that certain phrases are signs of spiraling out, until the day he actually goes looking for a knife to kill himself. Then tells you that if he can’t do it with you, he would wait till he is with father and do it.

So you go to the hospital and he repeats his comments. The doctor said none of their sites have a bed, they leave him alone long enough to calm down. They send him home with instructions for him to stay in the house until you bring him back Monday to see his psychiatrist.

Imposed Imprisonment

So now you can’t cook the meal you wanted to because all knives must remain hidden with a key. You cancel all plans because you can’t go anywhere that my trigger a spiral downwards. You allow the computer games to entertain, but must stay close by because at any time he will pause and come tell you he’s not ok and asked you to make him happy.

As an author who writes stories about children with specific needs, this may be an interesting plot to explore. But as the mother, my heart is breaking and I sit by his side praying for God intervention. The thought of hospitalization hurts me to the core, but at this point I want my son to stop hurting. At this point, I want the external factors that are fueling this matter to be silenced once and for all.