& You say not yet

It is funny how God bless you in the morning, then your faith is tested within hours of that blessing. I received news this morning for information that will help me financially blessed my business to help others. An answer to my prayers. Within hours of giving God the praise, sending out my morning devotional, and marching on with my morning task my day took a shift. I learned my Godmother, who has been more like a mother to me my entire adult life pass away last night at 8 pm the previous night. 

Last week Wednesday she was rushed to the hospital but did not need a ventilator. The next day they said her lung wasn’t collapsed or she didn’t have pneumonia. That she could be released. But the couldn’t send her back to nursing home cause she wasn’t eating. When I was told a DNR order was in place, I asked God to please let me see her and hold her at least one last time on this side of heaven. But I made peace or so I thought that I did and know His will would be done.

Holy week was filled with reasons for me to stay on my knees or shout praise from the rafters. Daddy allowed my oldest son to go to two emergency rooms, have emergency surgery and have no active COVID 19 case in either location. For this, I praise Him and am thankful for it. On Monday, my boy returned to remove the stitches without a hitch once again, no exposure. We serve an awesome God.

But what do you do, when all your prayers are not answered? What do you do when what you are left to deal with is the total opposite of what you asked for? Tears would have been nice, but not possible in my home for the safety of another. 

Yea, anger showed up but not at God, but because if another person would have done what she had to need to do,  my Godmother would not have been in the nursing home. But I realize that was my plan, not Daddy’s. 

I canceled school for my son, gave him the option to do that which he desired minus his therapies that could not be missed. I tried to do something, anything that would allow me to take my mind off of the fact that I would never get to hold her again.

Yes, I am hurting, I needed her. Yes, I am being selfish, she could have let me a pot of gold and I would prefer her presence over it all. When her best friend forsook me, she stood by me. Though my marriage, the birth of my two sons, and when her best friend evicted me with her grandson, my Godmommy stood by me stood up for me. She was my champion and my biggest cheerleader. 

As dementia nasty ways settled in her mind and Alzheimer’s tried to still her away, she away remembered the young me and my baby boys.  She remembered just enough to keep me smiling and laughing when I showed her the boys weren’t babies anymore. 

Earlier this year, I was able to sneak into Brooklyn for a hot minute during the week to see her. The only time I didn’t take pictures of our time together. I would always take photos of her, then of us, then with a funny filter. We would laugh and have fun until it was time for me to go. I hated leaving. She always wanted to leave with me. I always wished I could take her with me as well. But I would get her distracted and slip away until the next time. 

Now there won’t be a next time. There won’t be a final goodbye. No more laughs and hugs. No more hearing her telling me that she knows that I am going to good things and that I going to be a good writer. No more hearing a mother’s approval from a woman who knew me from birth and fought for me when my birth mother wouldn’t. 

Say Amen