This week, I said it’s all about me! Getting crucial work done for me without the endless running around helping others. I promised one person information, but other than that I want to stay lockup up each morning doing the things that are important to my future and my children. In honesty, I want to finish my novel. But……
The Trial:
I posted on my Facebook page about not having enough affirmations left for me after going through so many for my son each morning. But that not the full story. Yes, each morning once my conscious mind recognizes that God has given me another day, I start talking with him, followed by 5 am & 7 am prayer call. I must do this, cause my mornings are taxing and mentally exhausting. My youngest son has been diagnosed with mental and emotional issues. These issues can swirl into a loving and playful time while avoiding certain triggers. Then again, they can spiral into a self-defeating, self-abusive conversation that could lead to physical restraints.
It is having to face these types of mornings that is and has been my hindrance in moving forward. I know my calling and anointing. I know who I am and whom I belong to. I know my story and wait for the day that my visualization, that I do all so often, seeing myself pouring into others to helping propel them forward is more of physical activity than a daydream.
Having mornings where everything spirals out of control for a time, generally followed by an evening of the same, that halts my movements, block my writing and leaves me wanting to crawl into my bed and hide from the world. It is times like this that I would do exactly just that, but that has proven to frustrate me further. Throughout my life, I have always managed to do that which was expected or required. Even thru the hardest of periods in my life, I have always managed to push on and do what was needed. But I realize that being mentally and physically abused build different muscles than caring for a child with mental and emotional issues that can become physical. I thought I was prepared for anything my youngest could bring to the table after loving my oldest who is nonverbal and diagnosed with autism and severe medical issues, but even those muscles are different. In the same token, friends who may have growing pains with their children, don’t understand the full taxing of the roller coaster ride I must take each morning and night.
Rationalization:
I have been accused of using my son as an excuse and that I and blocking myself, but I am coming to realize that looking through the glass window to my life shields various aspects and nuances that can not be expressed in words for others to glean a full picture, unless you have walked along this path. I also understand that I sorely lack in certain areas that would benefit and protect me. Because I am a single mother with no blood family by marriage or by birth to help, there is no such thing as downtime. Yes, I have friends, but no one that could care for my son to let me go out and just take a break. Yes, his father comes for him, but that is for 48 hours after 12 straight days. Then that time is needed to do the many things that were put on hold that could not be completed before the school bus returns. The biggest neglect is sleep.
The Reality:
It is known that you can not continuously pour into other if your tank is empty. That one will suffer burnout or breakdown if they don’t replenish and refill on a regular base. Yet, my life since childhood (as taught) has been the focus on caring for others needs first, making sure others are in a better position than where I may be at that moment. Leaving myself vulnerable and neglected. So many times I hear myself asking, as I am called out of my name, chastised, beat upon and describe as the worst person in the world, who is HERE FOR ME? Who is making sure that my needs are met? Who do I have in the corner that could give me honest hug and shoulder to cry on? Please don’t respond with spiritual insight; I fully know that my heavenly Father and eldest brother Jesus Christ, carries and care for all my needs and is always there. But even Jesus, humanity side cried out for his cup to be removed. Marvin Winans lyrics state “But at times the human touch is what I need.”
As a child, I use to create my utopia to escape into the world where I was loved and accepted. Where the pain of reality would end if just for that moment and I would be loved and belong. As an adult, since learning that a true and living God that knows and hears my cries, I learned to expect for only Him to carry me through the various storms in my life. Then I would use a book to escape into, to live a life I can only imagine as my own, with the understanding that perfect endings aren’t real. But now I want to write my own stories, to create my books where utopia and reality come together. I haven’t been able to picture what my utopia would resemble.
Remembrance:
I believe I can FLY. I have to manage to carry out every goal that I have set my mind to complete. I have overcome debilitating and physical disabilities. From graduating from high school and college with high honors though I was told I would never be able to attain either. I have taught classes and created curriculums though most English and speech teachers said I choose jobs in the labor field where writing and talking should be limited. I have assisted countless families through advocacy and coaching them in securing the proper care for their special need children. Used Mary Kay to evangelized to many women both young and old not only how to look good on the outside, but feel good on the inside with the love of God and believing in themselves. I have broken through every ceiling of limitations that my mother has created for me ending a generational curse that has killed many dreams. I continue to push forward as I left home of cheating and mentally abusive ex-husband and as I was forced into the shelters after being kicked out of my childhood home by my childhood abuser. I have fought through every storm that has to be hurled into my life. I know all that I have done and overcame is not my doing or my strength. Trusting in Jesus to help me every step of the way. But I know I also have a choice with each step to trust and push forward or to throw in the towel and give up. Giving up has never really been a choice for me though many have suggested I should over the years.
Solution:
So I will rewrite my schedule for 2017, put the various aspect of my company “Beautiful Village Inc” in play. To become an accomplished self-published author of a fiction series. To become a storyteller of my own story to empower and uplift others. Securing a home to call my own to raise my sons and creating the financial means never to return to live where I am today. To be able to return only to help another mother and child from shelter to independence.
The first quarter of 2017 has been nothing like I envisioned. With all the struggles I faced as a child, I never assumed that the woman that gave me birth would truly try to bring to past words she uttered: “to destroy me”. But as I told her, thank you for teaching what real love truly is, not usury but true sacrificing of oneself to make sure their offspring will have better than themselves. I also learned since her evicting my son and me that I didn’t know my own strength. Yes, she meant this act to break me and to lower me to submit to her as her slave forsaking my children for the crumbs her money could buy. But as I walked away from her purse before, my convection has changed, no money is worth selling my soul. But what she did, was give me the fortitude to carry out every dream within me. No, it’s not easy, but then again, nothing I ever wanted in my life has been.
So I will end the first quarter and start the second quarter, working to secure a private home for my children and published the first book of my Admiral Series. I will find a way to push through the pain and run into my utopia to create a mental space to write and set my reality in the background.
Next to come…Goals beyond the next three months.